Nightmare

I had a dream last night. Actually… a nightmare. I dreamed that my parents were buying a huge property somewhere and inviting their kids and families to build there. There was a catch however. I had to go back to high school and finish. The GED wasn’t enough. I had to return to teenie bopper high school. Then I needed to get a college degree and a high class job. And I needed to lose weight. Oh yeah… and I needed to build some character cause I had none. At all. I was an embarrassment to my family and I would be a poor reflection for my brother’s ministry. I woke up feeling the pain of my dream sobs and still feeling unworthy, not good enough, a failure, shameful.

In spite of a high IQ, I do wonder if people can see any intelligence in me. After all I did quit school (not because of the academics) and I don’t have a college diploma or a fancy job. I care for my kids but that doesn’t actually take intelligence!

And I do feel shame and embarrassment for my weight. I do even wonder sometimes if others are disgusted or embarrassed for me.

As far as character… that one is still hitting below the belt so I won’t go there today.

I read these verses today and they soothed my spirit.

For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Needed the reminder that I am rooted and grounded in His love and that it’s width, length, depth, and height are beyond what I can imagine or understand. He loves me. Period.

Now… I do NOT believe my family feels these awful things about me (especially my mom!) but obviously I struggle with the expectation that some do. But I am so totally loved by God that it washes away the hurts and insecurities to the point that it doesn’t so much matter if someone does.

The last verse beautifully fits in with yesterdays post and makes me excited about what He has in store for me again!

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen

Amen and Amen

(Ephesians 3:14-21)