Sometimes growing just… sucks.
I am in the middle of something just now. Smack in the middle. And being in the middle is not a good place. It means I am sunk in the mire and floundering. Feeling like I am dying and desperate for a lifeline. But there is none. My only way out is to accept something I don’t want. Something that is painful. To forgive even if the other person doesn’t see their fault or feel sorry. To embrace the outcome regardless of it’s pain and unfairness.
Yeah. Growing sucks.
But I don’t want to stay here. I want to be on the other side, looking back and saying… Oh, I get it now!
I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want anyone else to ever hurt me again. In order to do that I have to shut myself off from everyone. I can’t. It’s just not possible. So I get stuck in an in-between battleground. Being shot down by both sides with no fellow soldiers to rescue me. I have to choose. Bitterness and defense. Or forgiveness and sacrifice.
Yuck.
This moment I am leaning toward forgiveness and sacrifice but…. Isn’t there always buts?
But I am scared. If I give up what I feel is right and fair I lose my security. I lose hope. Yes, I can say that God will provide… He is my hope… He is my security. BUT. Yeah… another one of those. But sometimes He doesn’t. Honestly. For whatever reason, sometimes God seems to ignore me. Now I know all you super Christians are saying… God never ignores, He may be saying no or just wait. Thank you. I realize that. But I FEEL ignored. The things that I have to sacrifice are important. Not just in my eyes… in anyone’s eyes. And I don’t see any hope for provision.
I feel trapped.
I bumped into a quote yesterday. “Satan may build a hedge about us and fence us in and hinder our movements, but he cannot roof us in and prevent our looking up.” – Hudson Taylor, missionary
So I am looking up. Sigh. Honestly… I don’t look up all that hopefully. But maybe a mustard seed sized flicker will be enough?
I am having to lay my Isaac down and lift the knife. I honestlly don’t expect a ram to be in the thicket. But neither did Abraham. He thought God would raise Isaac from the dead.
I told God today that I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. He asked me if I would let Him hurt me. I thought about the story I wrote about the lamb. And I said yes. Then He gently pointed out that He is allowing that circumstance/person to hurt me. That is the knife at the altar. Is the circumstance/person right? I don’t believe so. Will God still use it? If I let Him. Maybe He won’t even provide a ram or bring my Isaac back to life. Can I say… wholeheartedly… “Though He slay me, yet will I praise Him” …
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