Being Vulnerable

Hey… I just realized this is my 101st post. WOW.

Anyway… LOL

Braeden is sick today. Throwing up and feverish. He isn’t eating ANYTHING, and is drinking very little. Munching ice chips, an occasional sip of ice water, peppermint ginger tea, or ginger ale. Even that isn’t staying down.

He got up off the couch to come sit in my lap for a while. “I feel heavy, Mom. Why do I feel heavy?”

“Because you aren’t eating, you’re laying around, and it makes your muscles weak.”

“I don’t like it, Mom.”

Yeah … me either.

I have been going through a rough time… a rough year… even a rough marriage at times.

Not because I have a poor husband or an ungodly relationship. My husband is great and he really loves God and his family and is trying to do as God leads him… but face it… we all have flaws and weaknesses and marriage is the best place to find them.

They have especially been highlighted in both of us in the last year. My response to hurt and insecurity is to shut down and withdraw. I have been living in a walled off prison for most of my life. I peek out now and then and once in a while I allow someone in to tour the outer edges of my “sanctuary” but they don’t get in too far.

Well thanks to my struggles in our marriage I am starting to understand this. A few days ago I broke down and said some things to my husband that gave him a peek into why I am so closed off. We talked and he asked for my forgiveness and promised that together, he and God would make it different for me. I’ve heard this before and yet this time… it went in differently. I believed it. And it changed something in me.

I struggle with trust (don’t we all?) and for good reason (we all have good reasons to not trust!). Women need… NEED security. I have lived for so long as an insecure fearful person. Other than being shy, I don’t think that comes across to others. And yet… that’s how I live my life. And marriage isn’t really a great place to find security (sorry to burst your bubble if you are looking forward to marriage for this reason).

I found this quote today…

Where reason cannot wade there faith may swim. —Thomas Watson

The more I dwell on it… the more it hits me.

Reason says that I can put faith in my experiences and expectations. Hey… I’ve been there, done that… I know what’s gonna happen. And it’s going to hurt.

But that’s not what God says. And yet… what do I believe? Reason. So… I can’t step into the water. If I do, I drown because my faith is still in my experience and past and not in what God can do.

What is the use in being a Christian and yet calling God a liar or living as if He is incapable of keeping His promises to me… or as if He doesn’t care enough to love me like that.

Here is another quote I found…

Here, then, is the real problem of our negligence. We fail in our duty to study God’s Word not so much because it is difficult to understand, not so much because it is dull and boring, but because it is work. Our problem is not a lack of intelligence or a lack of passion. Our problem is that we are lazy. R. C. Sproul

I want to say that’s not my problem… fear or doubt really is. But is it? No… really my lack of time in God’s Word or in prayer is simply that I don’t. If I did I would see Him come through. I would feel His love for me just by being in His Word and in His presence. I know because I’ve been there before. I just need to make the effort and He is there waiting for me.

When I do spend any time with Him it tends to be surface related… here is another quote…

God always answers in the deeps, never in the shallows of our soul. Anonymous

Why? It is work to deal with emotional issues. It is hard work. Yep it hurts… but it’s really the work of it that intimidates me. It’s hard to be serious with God. Especially when you have stuff you need to get through. I hate the emotional drainage of working through my crap.

So, what is the answer…? I’m not totally there yet. Except to point out this…

How else but through a broken heart may Lord Christ enter in. Oscar Wilde

Mine has been broken so many times and yet it’s not Him that I invite in. Time for a change. I think that’s what has changed in me. I am ready to take the next step. Let God into the deep places. I am scared… I feel totally vulnerable.

I guess that is the best place to start, huh?

I am not going to even try to imagine what comes next. I’ll wait until my security is in Him before thinking about feeling safe enough to invite others in.